Today, I spent the afternoon visiting gravesides and conversing with my loved ones. It’s been years, and in the case of my dad, it’s the first time I’ve visited his graveside since he passed away. I’ve never been fan of cemeteries; but as I’ve gotten older, my desire to come to this peaceful place, to converse, and to meditate has grown. Today it lifted my spirits and brought joy to my heart.
Today I thanked my grandma Lindsey for everything she is and for encouraging me to write and speak my truth. She always used to say; “those” people aren’t going to like what you have to say, but it’s the truth so keep saying it. Who knows what I would be today if it wasn’t for her words.
Today I thanked my grandma Smith, for the walks, the love, the patience, and for being a part of all of my early childhood memories before she got Alzheimer’s. In life and now she will always be my angel.
Today I sat down with my dad and thanked him for doing the best he could to be there for me. At times you were my superhero, at other times our relationship was rocky; no matter; today it’s all love and all thanks. As someone who grew up in a racist environment (like you) with numerous obstacles trying to beat me down; I gained an understanding you, of your imperfections, and of mine. We walk together inside the belly of the beast. We will walk together in heaven when my fight here is done.
Today I sat down with my big sister; we’ve been through it all together, fought, talked about our fears, and when you told me you were done with that all of that treatment that was killing you; I understood. You wanted to live before going home. I was sad to say goodbye, but I know you are watching over us, giving a side-eye to the devil and all of his cronies that are trying to knock us off track, and creating miracles on our path. You are a true wonder woman.
Today I got on my knees and talked to my mom. I thanked her for being our backbone, provider, protector, and rock through the tough times. She is as beautiful and intelligent as they come; a straight shooting fire-cracker that would never be walked over; and if you tried her you best be ready. We still talk daily and I respect the fact that she didn’t want to be buried or to put her name on a piece of stone. You are an agent of God and humble enough not to need recognition for your work.
All of you and so many more are with me; lifting, guiding, helping me make a positive contribution. On this and every other day I give thanks and love… ~ Sean King
defiance over grief
over slowing down to contemplate
Masking our pain
instead of facing it
rather than letting the hurt
grab ahold of us
We cover the holes in our heart so adeptly
that even those closest to us can only see the glimmer of light
sneaking past the mountains
of sadness eclipsing our light
On the outside
we feign the appearance of everything is fine
we are worn out
tired of overcoming
decimated by loneliness
stuck in the middle of nowhere
screaming to the heavens
as we struggle to hang on
We find ourselves
looking to those that remain
to fill the gaps of those that are no longer here
only to be greeted by the harsh reality
that some holes are simply too big to fill
We lash out in frustration
and our cries go unanswered
We walk a path toward peace
on a narrow road nestled neatly
between anger and hurt,
there is no end in sight
We see light
and then turn a corner
that leads us back to darkness
We are hopeful
but this taxing journey
threatens to take away all that we love
In our heart
we know we will make it
In our mind
we are unsure of what our world
will look like when we do
Will our loved ones still be there?
Will the blissful joy ever come back?
Will the soul that emerges on the other side resemble the soul that began the journey?
This morning, like a lot of other mornings, I woke up and wanted to talk to my loved ones that have already passed on. To be honest, this is not something that makes me sad or angry, just a reality for someone that has said goodbye to a lot of people over a relatively short life. It’s a reality that has taught me about mortality, dreams, friendship, appreciating the here and now, and the importance of not wasting moments. Through this reality, I have learned the importance of every single breath, of every interaction, of passionately pursuing my dreams from the time I wake up (God Willing/Insha’Allah) until I rest my head at night, and of you. This reality has helped me to move away from the idea of the American dream and toward God’s purpose. It has taught me to stop counting on tomorrow’s and to quit assuming I’ll have another chance to make it right. Most importantly, it has taught me passion.
When you sit down with me, when we communicate in passing, when you read what I’ve written or watch how I’m living, I hope the thing you see is someone who is passionate about friendship, about using my gifts to help someone, about life, and about love.
Why do I share this? I share this so that you can understand what I’ve come to understand. We have been given but a few ticks on the clock of eternity to achieve an infinite amount of dreams and to express an infinite amount of love; we don’t have a single breath to waste on the bullshit.