I remember,
sitting on your lap
sipping on your beer
feeling like I was on top of the world
looking into your eyes
as I wore your sun glasses.
To me,
you were a star
as bright as the sun

I remember,
catching night crawlers
and climbing over barbed wired fences
and nervously sliding down rocky river banks
to go fishing

I remember,
sitting next to you
watching E.T. and
then movie hopping

I remember,
endless road trips
that took me from the
the country roads and tumbleweeds
of my world

to raspberries
plush green forest
and alleys
littered with volcanic ash
thrown
from the blown mountain tops
of your world

I remember,
all day bus rides
as you shuffled people
from one part of the city to another

I remember,
no holds barred water fights
waterfalls and space needles
foreign borders and breathtaking scenery
and the signs,
warning us
of the presence of Sasquatch;
because of you I wasn’t scared

I remember,
the time we spent
and the love we shared
and looking up to you like a superhero
and the last summer we spent together,
before we lost our connection

I remember,
you telling me
you would be there
at my games;
in my life

I remember,
leaving your world
believing you,
believing in you

I remember,
excitedly waiting
days
weeks
months
to hear from you
before having my heart shattered
by your lack of follow through

I remember,
being angry
and bitter
and cold
and dismissive
before finally checking out of the relationship,
I was officially done with you

I remember,
doing everything in my power
to exist just beyond your reach,
ignoring your phone calls
disappearing when you would visit
telling myself you didn’t matter
until I became numb to
the emptiness in my soul

I remember
our last conversation
before God called you home,
you told me that you loved me,
but even as your life slipped away
my pain
my emptiness
my coldness
wouldn’t allow me
to embrace you

I remember,
the years after you passed
and my struggle to come to grips
with our relationship
and to understand your actions
and to forgive you
for not being there when I needed you

I remember,
swearing
that I wouldn’t be anything like you

I remember,
being healed,

my heart swelling with love
as I forgave you

my spirit being freed
as I accepted the fact that you loved me
the best you could

As I got older
I began to understand your struggle
of raising children with love
while being consumed
with the anger and hate
of a fatherless
Jim Crow American negro

I remember,
looking at my sons
with the pride of a proud father
wishing they would have had the opportunity
to meet you
knowing they would love you
the same way that I do now,
without regret
without condition
without barriers

Happy Father’s Day Daddy
I miss you..